I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Song: Breathe Me
Artist: Sia
Dynamics: The song starts out soft but gets louder after the xylophone plays. There is a noticeable difference in volume.
Meter: 4/4
When I first heard this song, I cried. I listened carefully to the lyrics and found myself making some connections between them and the way I was feeling. The lyrics caused me to remember several painful memories, as well as understand that I was alone and no one would be able to help me deal with my emotions.
When Sia says " Hurt myself again today", I think about the many times I have thought about my past and all the times I was hurt by the very people I trusted. It was hard for me to try and live up to my parents's as well as teachers's expectations. There were many things I regretted doing in the past and present. Piling all those memories and thoughts together had me breaking down emotionally. I knew I should let those things go and move on, but I didn't. I couldn't find it in myself to forgive the people who unknowingly hurt me, and I couldn't forgive myself for making all those mistakes, either. It hurt.
Several months have passed since then. I continued to remember and think about my separated family. My father wasn't there for me when I needed him. I have no memories of him except for the one where he whipped me with a belt for accidentally breaking a thermometer. It was just me and my mom. I thought about how I had lost my friendship with a person I used to get along really well. The only person who called herself my best friend wasn't trust worthy for she chose to stick with my ex-best friend once things got bad between me and her (ex-best friend). Besides, she left me totally alone once I reached grade 8 for a bunch of new friends. I ate lunch alone almost every day.
I continued to think about all these things and other present negative thoughts over and over again, hurting myself emotionaly. I would listen to this song and cry almost every night in the dark. I wanted to scream and wail but I didn't let a sound come out. I couldn't let my parents know I was crying. The last time I cried in front of them, they told me to shut up. I told my parents that I thought I was depressed, they laughed it off and said I'm gonna get over it soon. (Perhaps they thought that I was lamenting over fighting with a friend.). It hurt to know that I couldn't confide in my own parents for resolving my depression. I tried to talk to a friend about it, the same one who ditched me in 8th grade. I told her about my pain, she said that she would help me. But all she did was distance herself from me. When I hear the lyrics "Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up", I begin to cry. I do want a friend that would care enough to not think of me as just a person who wants to be pitied, but to just give the security I need to be able to cry freely and not worry about what they will think of me afterwards. At one point in time the pain got so bad, that I felt as if I was drowning. It was hard to breathe, I felt like falling to the floor and curling up into a ball to nurse the pain in my chest. I wanted someone to help me breathe again.
Sometimes I felt like crying for no reason, and it confused me. I felt lost.
No comments:
Post a Comment